Maybe it’s just me, but there are times when I find it so difficult to live just in the moment. I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish I could completely push aside past memories and future worries. I wish I could focus just on the here and now. I wish….and I realize I can do more than just wish.
When God called Nick and I to take on new jobs and move away from home in 2012, we “happened” to stumble upon the Blackabys’ Experiencing God. Through this amazing study book, we were able to begin to appreciate the fact that we need to focus on God just in the moment. This has been a lifesaver as life continues to throw us twists and turns like we are on a never-ending roller coaster. And even though I love roller coasters, I am ready to get off this one. But, I think this is just life. We have lived believing we had some sort of control over our lives, but we really don’t. And why fight it when God really is better at this whole thing than we are.
A few weeks (or was it months?) ago, I read this awesome story in one of my devotionals. It had to do with a man who was consumed by guilt and grief every time he passed a specific part of town that reminded him of his difficult past. This continued to plague him until one day he chose to see those triggers as a reminder not of the difficult times, but of the way God has rescued him and changed his life. I now do the same thing. In a moment where something brings to mind upsetting memories, I have started to reflect on God’s goodness and faithfulness. Instead of dwelling on the past in a negative light, I meditate on the positive outcome.
As far as worrying about the future. Well, that’s a tougher one for me. I know the wonderful words of wisdom in the Bible that speak out against worry. My favorite is the reminder from Jesus himself in Matthew 6 that no one can even had an hour to his or her life by worrying. SO…why worry? Why wish? Instead, we can pray. Instead, we can focus on what God has already done in our lives, knowing that He doesn’t change and will continue to be the God who saved, healed, and helped us in the past. Instead, we can choose to trust God.
This is where our past, present, and future converge.Read More
Dear Friends, I want to introduce you to Victoria. She is sharing some wise words regarding how to love someone with depression. This is a must-read and must-share! Blessings, Laurel
Victoria is a wife, mom of four girls and a writer. She earned her Bachelor’s degree from Liberty University in Psychology & Christian Counseling and currently works full time for the Liberty University Online Communities Department as a staff writer/blogger. Victoria also writes on her own personal blog (www.victoriamininger.com) where she focuses on helping hurting women find hope and healing from fear, anxiety and depression so that they can begin to live again.
Depression. It’s not an easy subject. It’s not easy for those of us who have lived it, and for those of us who have loved someone going through it. It’s a tough conversation to have, and yet, as I look at the world around us the need cries out. People are hurting, wounded and in despair. Every day we lose people to depression, either physically, emotionally or spiritually. These kind of conversations allow us to start doing something about those losses. To address how depression really effects all of us. To talk about Hope in the midst of it all.
Healing from depression is one of those tricky things. When you are going through the midst of this dark storm, everything inside of you wants to just run and hide, especially from people. But the tricky part? One of the important aspects of healing from depression is to be engaged in relationship with people. Healthy people, encouraging people, safe people.
But often those battling depression can have a hard time knowing how to relate to those around them. Depression can leave your world feeling muted and holding little interest. Depression often causes a shift in personality, energy and enjoyment of life. Hanging out with friends, catching a movie, or dinner out no longer hold the same appeal.
When you battle depression it is hard to know who is safe to share with. Often this uncertainty leads to not sharing, causing further withdrawal. Honestly, it can be a vicious circle. As a friend it’s hard to know what to say and do. You don’t want to make things worse, but you want your old friend back. You want to laugh again and enjoy life together.
Through the years, as I have battled my own fears and depression, I have discovered some key things that bring life and key things that don’t. In this post we are going to talk about the “don’ts.” – 5 simple things to avoid when loving someone through depression.
- Acting as if they should “Get Over It Already” – Whether you think it or say it, this attitude towards someone fighting depression is more harmful than helpful. When you are battling depression what you wouldn’t give to “be over it” already. Often these words are a result of a friend or caregiver’s anger and frustration of not being able to fix the depression, but in the end only serves to add to the weight of the battle. Understandably if you are supporting someone fighting depression, the season can get weary for you as well. It may feel like plenty of time has passed and they should be over whatever it is that has them in this place. However, every person’s journey is different and you can’t put a time frame on healing from depression. For some, healing comes within months, others it can take years.
- Bible Verse Band-Aids - Don’t get me wrong, God’s Word is important and for those fighting depression scripture can often bring real comfort. However, if our answer to someone’s depression is to throw a few Bible verses at them with the hope that it will “stick,” we fail to truly love. Giving someone random Bible verse Band-Aids does little to ease the pain of a gaping wound in the soul. When I was battling depression I had a hard time believing the promises of God’s Word for my life. It took family and friends walking out scripture for me to grasp onto the hope and healing God’s Word offers. So, instead of a random verse, I challenge you to walk out the scripture as much as you speak the scripture. God’s Word in action can be a powerful balm to a hurting heart and mind.
- “If You Just Had More Faith” - This might be one of the most hurtful things that you can say to someone facing a dark storm of life. Depression is rarely just a faith issue. Often depression touches all aspects of a person’s being. Physically, mentally and spiritually. If anything, depression tests your faith like none other and we need others to come alongside of us in that testing. This quote sums it up well – “Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.” (Author unknown)
- Stop Showing Up - Because depression causes withdrawal, it is easy to assume that maybe your friend just needs space. Can I implore you? Please keep showing up. Even if they don’t want to get together because they are struggling to get out of bed, or put one foot in front of the other…keep showing up. A phone call can be a life line. Too often we relegate our communication to a quick Facebook post or message. Never underestimate the power of your own voice in the life of a friend. They need you to show up.
- Fix It Mode - Because we love, we want to fix. Sometimes I think it’s just in our nature. Unfortunately, depression isn’t an easy fix. It is a process, which starts with your loved one admitting the dark place they are in. In depression there can be denial, grief, anger, resentment, hopelessness and a myriad of other emotions and factors. The important part is to realize that you do not have to have all the answers. Often you will not. But what you do have to offer is support, love and encouragement as they travel the path towards healing and wholeness.
I don’t know what your story is. I don’t know who the loved one is that you are battling for. Maybe it’s a friend, a spouse, a parent or a child.
What I do know is there is HOPE and that you are not alone. There are so many of us who have walked down the path of depression. There are many of us walking with a loved one battling this monster. However, I am convinced that as we begin to be brave and have conversations about mental health – depression, fears, anxieties (the list goes on) – that we will see God bring even greater healing to individuals and to us as a people.
If you are loving someone through depression right now I encourage you to go to the Lord in prayer. Ask Him how to reach their heart, because we must go first to the one who knows them most intimately – the creator of their very being. It is not an easy journey, but as you seek God on the behalf of your friend or loved one, I know He will be faithful to meet you.
What is your story? Who are you loving through depression? What would you add to this list of things to avoid?
Even earthly Kings despair:
My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. PSALM 38: 10
My heart is blighted and withered like grass; I forget to eat my food. Because of my loud groaning I am reduced to skin and bones. I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins. I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof. PSALM 102:4-7
I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. PSALM 6:6
But even Kings have Hope:
“I waited patiently for the Lord and He inclined unto me and He heard my cry. He lifted me out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and He has set my feet upon a ROCK and He established my steps, and He has given me a new song even praise unto our God; many shall see it and fear and shall trust in the Lord…the first 3 lines of an ancient Hebrew song Psalm 40:1-3”
“Infant adoption should be illegal.”
This from a woman who had spent years reconnecting birth parents with the biological children they had placed for adoption. She didn’t actually speak these words to me. Rather, she shared this view as a comment on a news story about a woman who was able to obtain an illegal abortion at over 20 weeks pregnant. Most people asked, “Why not consider adoption?” Yet, her view was that infant adoption should not even be a consideration. Indeed, it should not even be a legal option.
I can’t completely process this view. I understand (from studying the topic and interacting with many people in the adoption community) that adoption is hard. It is not easy for birth parents to make the decision to place their child with a family they often times barely know. It is not easy for an adopted child as they often times grow up with a missing piece of their identity. And it is not a breeze for adoptive parents either.
Instead of focusing on the difficulty, can we pause for a moment and reflect on the beauty?
After all, November is National Adoption Month. Time specifically set aside to raise awareness for and provide education about adoption. It is critical because many people don’t quite understand it all. Listen, I am in the process of adopting, and I don’t quite understand it all. And I would bet (if I was a betting woman) that many who have adopted or were adopted themselves don’t even understand it all!
And that’s okay.
What’s not okay is deciding that because it’s hard, because it’s tough, because we don’t understand it all, that we should just give up on this whole infant adoption thing. This woman who posted the comment about making infant adoption illegal may be like others. Someone who can’t see the forest for the trees. Someone who thinks the challenges don’t make the triumphs worth it. Someone who can’t see the selflessness of a woman in a crisis pregnancy deciding that, instead of ending her pregnancy, she will place a child for an adoption.
Thank-you, dear ones, who have made the decision to place your child for adoption. I pray you have or will have the help you need to address any difficulties you may be experienced as a result.
Because, yes, adoption is hard. But isn’t everything that’s worth the effort difficult? I, for one, am thankful for adoption. And I know I can count on God to see me through the tough times as well as the good as we wait for our precious infant.
If you are willing to partner with us to fund our adoption, please visit this website:Read More